Gender
by elliedreams
Summary: In other words, Mello's agender and helps Near feel more comfortable with his physical appearance as a transboy; the way he couldn't when gender wasn't a topic often discussed in a place where being the next L meant everything.


**A/N:** This doesn't fit the canon timeline of Death Note, but the orphanage and L is still here. I guess you could say this is a Happy-Ending-AU? Sorta. Idk man I just wanted to write gender things.

**Disclaimer:** Nah son, just a lovely li'l genderfluid behind the screens here. I don't own jackshit except my mind and extensive knowledge of genders.

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Ellen-

No, no. Not Ellenor. Near.

Near was nervous; that much could be seen. Sh.. He tugged at his hair harder than usual, his eyes wouldn't leave the goddamned floor, and he was clutching the borrowed shirt as if his life depended on it.

And, honestly, maybe it did. Just a bit.

Being agender, Mello could understand a similar feeling. For years their gender confused them. It wasn't one that usually crossed their mind; not until puberty hit, at least. They didn't exactly hate the changes, at least not all the time, but sometimes they couldn't stand it. And the pronouns people used? They always messed it up. 'He' and 'she' and blah blah bullshit. Neither fit their comfort.

And trust them, they've tried. They've even experimented a lot in secret. They wore skirts, dresses, headbands, ponytails, and make-up. Despite their assigned gender, Mello tried just as hard when it came to 'boy' labeled clothing and appearance. They didn't exactly mind any of the clothing, but pronouns and the words 'boy' and 'girl' did, because they didn't feel right in either categories. It was hard, for a long time. Budding feelings for others didn't quite help, either. But Matt and L had helped them, and surprisingly, later on, so had E.. Near. L had taught them about the gender spectrum, and how, like the color spectrum or the sexuality spectrum, there were more than two; more than boys and girls and more than straight and gay. With Matt's help, it didn't take long for them to find out the many different genders, and lack thereof. When they came across the lack of gender, Mello had felt a rush of happiness spread throughout their entire core. It left them tingly and excited for days knowing that there was nothing wrong with them; they were just different. Near most likely felt the same way at the moment.

Near.. Near, in an ironic way, helped them discover that they could be agender, who they really were, even while they used gendered pronouns. Pronouns and gender interlocked in a complex fashion, and Near helped them accept the fact that they sometimes liked 'he' pronouns just as much as 'they' pronouns. And that never deterred them from their true gender. Mello.. They figured this was a way of repayment, and it was, but if they were honest, Mello just wanted.. For once, Mello just wanted the boy to feel accepted as who he was, to replace the way he couldn't express himself when gender wasn't a topic often discussed back at the orphanage, and when both were far too busy hating (well, that was more on Mello's end) and catching and not-dying.

"Mello?" Near's voice, usually monotonous and robotic, wavered with the slightest trail of uncertainty. Only one who didn't know him well enough would've missed it.

Luckily for Mello, that wasn't their case.

They grinned at the sight before them.

"How's the binder? Too tight, too loose, or..?," they asked.

Near flushed just a tint, running his hand through his now-flat chest. A small smile slowly formed on his lips, and to Mello's surprise, he let out a tiny giggle. It was.. well, it was (too) cute. Mello inwardly cringed at the statement.

"It fits just fine," Near said, tiny smile still present. Dear God, Mello rather enjoyed that smile. The fact that they liked it at all was already too much, honestly.

"Glad to hear it. You remember what I told you about taking care of yourself with binders? Don't bind for more than 8 to 12 hours, but since this is your first experience with it, I'd suggest to bind a few hours less.. Maybe 4 to 6 hours? I'm sure you'll figure that out yourself. But anyway, binding unsafely can seriously restrict breathing, cause fluid buildup in your lungs, and cause other serious injuries, like broken rib bones.." Mello trailed off, pondering for a little bit before asking, "it's not too small for you, right? Is it a snug, or a bit bigger than what you'd like, maybe?"

Mello saw Near's hesitant pause, and figured he was working that infuriatingly genius head of his before responding. It didn't take long, of course, as he responded, "I have memorized all precautions and safety tips for binding, as well as what to never use to bind: ace bandages and tape, as they cause severe, and sometimes permanent, injuries. Suppressing dysphoria shall not, and will never, come at the expense of my health. It is not too tight, but for safety measures I'd like to order a slightly larger chest binder. I'd say it fits snuggly, with a little bit of extra space. Does that ease your nerves, Mello?"

Mello felt their chest deflate with slight disappointment when they heard that they hadn't gotten the correct chest-binder size on their first try. They sucked it up. Near's comfort and safety was first priority at the moment. They subconsciously picked at their rosary, nodding at Near's question. "Are you comfortable in my shirt?"

Near looked down at himself the same time Mello inspected his clothing. He was wearing one of Mello's plain black shirts, absolutely refusing any leather clothing or designer ones. It was rather big on him, but it was also one that Mello knew he sometimes wore when he was feeling shitty and dysphoric; the bagginess hid most of his more feminine aspects. Near decided wearing his own baggy jeans would be fine, and with his chest binder on, Mello admitted out loud that he looked even more of a boy than he did without said chest binder. Near's smile widened a fraction.

"Thank you, Mello," he said, and though it still sounded quite plain and emotionless, Mello detected the sincerity in them.

"No problem, Near," Mello said, smiling back.

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A/N: I love love love genderqueer characters. I have my heart set on agender Mello, but can't quite decide on bigender Near or transboy Near. Both work considerably well, and I'd really like to try writing a bigender Near soon. But anyway, yup, this is my headcanon for them: agender Mello uses both he and they pronouns, and will beat the shit out of anyone who invalidates them. And Matt and L would definitely help Mello, no doubt about it.

Transboy Near never really got the chance to explore genders, 'cause every time he thought on it, he'd be distracted by his toys again (ADD/ADHD), except for moments of severe dysphoria. Which, unfortunately, happened quite a lot in his childhood and teenage years. I feel like maybe L would've noticed Near's dysphoria, so he'd refrain from ever calling him Ellenor, the name chosen for Near when he first came to the orphanage. The nickname Near, I like to imagine, was courtesy of L, figuring it was a gender neutral name. No one else really called Near by Near until he was well out of the orphanage, though.

Review and tell me what you think!


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